I'm a Stupid, Reckless Idiot

I did one of the dumbest, scariest things last night.

Before I get into the whole thing, I just wanted to remind all of you that this blog is a way for you guys to get a glimpse of what my life is like here, and that I refuse to censor myself just because its probably not what you want to hear. Life isn't always about being smart. I was an idiot last night, but I have learned from my mistake and will NEVER do it again.

I'm pissed off that I was dumb enough to do it. But I don't want to hear about it, because I've already learned my lesson (the hard, life-slaps-you-in-the-face way).

I'm letting you into my life, and I never said that I was going to be a genius the whole time.

I walked home last night alone.
This normally wouldn't be a big deal, except that I was: drunk, 1hr away from home, walking through the sketchier part of Strasbourg, and it was 12:30 in the morning.

There is of course, an explanation (though no excuse). I was at my friend Hiram's place for his Birthday party. It was getting late and I wanted to grab the last tram from Kibitzeneau and get home, because though Hiram offered to let me sleep at his place (easy, easy, he's gay), I didn't want to wake up across town feeling disgusting and have to rush home to start studying.

I got to the station around 12:00, and the outgoing trams were done for the night (damn them). Normally there's a night bus that runs until 3am once the trams stop running, so I tried to figure out which bus stop was the one for the night bus heading out in my direction, but all of the schedules said they finished running at 11:00. Since there were still trams running in the other direction, I figured I was just at one of the outskirting stations, and that the next few tram stations would probably be running.

So I followed the tracks instead of doing what I should have - gone back to Hiram's and stayed the night. The next station didn't have any trams running, but I figured I might as well keep going, and that I would come upon one soon.

I was a little nervous at this point, because the streets were deserted and there were alot of apartment buildings and very few stores - I couldn't even call for a cab because my cell was out of credit and nothing was open.

Then as I was walking I wanted to pee my pants because in a park/foresty area to my right I spotted the most dangerous thing at night: 2 guys, drinking, dressed like wankers (aka bad guys). I could have been raped. I wouldn't even have been able to run away. They could have so easily just dragged me into the park, and even if people heard me screaming they might not have done anything. It was like a moment teetering on the edge of disaster, as I walked by (it was too late to cross the street by the time I'd spotted them), one of them said, "Salut." (then, seing as I didn't respond) "Il n'y a pas de mal de nous donner un petit salut?" ("There's no harm in a little hello?") in this coaxing, menacing voice. I wanted to run, but I figured that might just spur them on. So I kept walking without saying anything, and Thank God, they didn't follow me.

I wanted to cry, I wanted to run all the way home, but I was worried that I would draw attention to myself, or that I would be out of breath if I really did have to outrun somebody. It was the scariest hour of my life. Every station was empty, no trams, no fucking buses. When I finally got to Etoile Bourse (familiar territory) I wanted to just collapse in a little heap of hyperventilation and tears. I got home at 1am, and as I curled up in a little ball in my bed, fully aware of my own folly and luck (that I wasn't raped, robbed, beaten or killed) I thanked whoever/whatever it was that got me home in one piece.

This whole thing made me realize how much I love my neighbourhood. At night there are always tons of people in the street, lights blazing, this place is alive. Walking home at 12pm here is as safe as at 4 o'clock in the afternoon (3 am would be a different story of course, but last night I was coming home relatively early for Strasbourg inner-city night life standards). The neighbourhood I walked through last night was deserted, dark, dead.

My parents always warned me about walking around at night, and I've never really listened. The town I go to school in is safe any time of day or night, and I have stubornly maintained that my neighbourhood in my home town is the same. Last night was the first time I've ever really come face to face with the idea that I'm not safe wherever I am. So naive.